When asked who is your superhero, most children (especially little girls) will say their mom. That was never my answer.
My mother was never my superhero… We never had a good relationship, and that's because, at a young age, she chose the streets over raising her children. My brothers and I were raised by our dads & grandmothers. Although my mother was around (I would see her at my grandmother's house or in passing in the neighborhood), she missed a lot of crucial moments in my life.
It took me a long time, but I eventually accepted that my mother wasn't my superwoman… She was human.. and as humans, we all make mistakes. My mother made many mistakes, and not being a mother to her children was one that took me a long time to forgive. I was filled with so much anger and bitterness towards her that I completely shut her and all memories of her out. I realized late in life that anger and resentment turned me cold as ice. It kept me from seeing any good she was capable of because, in my eyes, it was a matter of time before she would let me down…AGAIN!
My older cousin told me one day, we know your mother wasn't a good mother, but were you a good daughter? Um, excuse me?! NO! Why should I? She is the mother here…
I felt justified because, as a mother, she left me, didn't protect me, didn't help me, wasn't there when I needed her and didn't love me the way I needed her to. So why should she deserve anything from me?
Then life came and humbled me REAL quick…
I remember it like it was yesterday… I got a call in Oct 2011 that my mother was in the hospital in FL. She was at the beach, and a wave knocked her down and sent her to the hospital… Come to find out, the pain she was experiencing was cervical cancer… stage 3B. W.T.F.! So I am on my way to Houston to coordinate a wedding on a 3+ hour flight, and this is the news I just got! The emotions were on at an all-time high… Oh, and I was alone!
Fast forward, and not by choice, I became her caregiver… I was her only daughter, so the responsibility fell on me. So now I am dealing with all types of emotions, anger, resentment, fear, everything. In full transparency, I didn't want to be her caregiver. She left me; I don't even like her; why must I do it? Why couldn't her sisters, who told me I had to do this? I was so angry!!! These were all the things going through my head.
Then one day, I was with my mother at an appointment & they rushed her to the hospital. After we got checked in me, my Mother and I got into it, and she turned and told me, "If you are going to continue being a bitch to me, just leave me here to die" So I walked out… Now I am really pissed.
I stepped outside and broke down. I remember thinking God, why are you doing this to me? I can't handle this… and if I have to, please, humble me because this is above me right now… That was my prayer for weeks. As her cancer continued to progress, it required more of me. But God answered my prayers and humbled me so I could do my best for my mother, and I did just that. I promised her that I would be there till the very end, and I was.
It was tough on me and a very lonely journey, but I did my best to show up and make the best decisions possible for my mother.
It wasn't until I had to prepare her eulogy that I had a significant life-changing breakthrough. As I was preparing and thinking about what to write, I struggled because I couldn't get up there and tell everyone that my mother was an addict that chose the streets over her kids. She didn't deserve that, and my grandmother would have KILLED ME! But, I couldn't get up and praise her for being the best mother either because she didn't deserve that either…
As I prepared to write, I struggled because I realized I didn't have a lot of memories with my mother. Well, good ones, anyway. So I prayed, cried, and had to dig deep. Just like I had to do to write this blog (this is attempt # 3, by the way; let's see if it makes it to be published, lol) After years of blocking out trauma and choosing not to deal with it (because, let's be honest, I didn't know how to I was a child…), I learned how to numb the pain before the age of ten, maybe even younger than that. So I put a lot of those years out of my mind. Now I had to dig, and just being honest, it hurt, but I was able to do it.
Here is what I shared about my mom at her funeral…
"I wanted to share a testimony today on how good God is and the blessing that came from all of this.
Not too long ago, I started my walk with Christ, and as I started that walk, I found myself struggling with one of the commandments, to honor thy mother. I remember praying to God and apologizing because I don’t know how to honor my mother. In fact, I didn’t want to honor my mother. God answered my prayers and softened my heart, allowing me to let go of the past and forgive my mother. He allowed me to see my entire life from a different perspective, and although I didn’t realize it growing up, my mother did what was best for her children, leaving us with our fathers instead of taking us along the roads she struggled with every day. I was so scared and hurt from my past that I didn’t want to honor her, but I stand before you today in honor of my mother.
The last couple of months were tough for many reasons, but more importantly, I got to spend time with and get to know my mother better. I got to know and love the person everyone else knew and loved. She was in between hospitals for about 4mths and every person that has ever been in contact with my mother, from the doctors to the nurses to the transport team, all said the same thing "Your mother is a good woman with a wicked mouth! She was one of the REAList women I have ever known. She said what she meant and meant what she said. Although the time spent together was under unfortunate circumstances, it is a time that I will cherish forever. I walked away from this with so many lessons learned, without her even knowing my mother has made me a stronger person. She taught us that life is worth fighting for, no matter the circumstances.
I spent last night sitting back and thinking of my childhood and some of the good memories. Thinking of the bday parties that she threw for us with the homemade baked cake, lemonade stand, building clubhouses, and just other little things that, as a child, we take advantage of. Realizing now that my mother tried to make us happy the best way she knew how. She made mistakes that hurt us all, but as an adult, I now realize my mother had an illness beyond her control. One that no one will ever understand, one that left her with so much guilt that all she wanted before she went was to know her kids forgave her.
For God has a reason for everything, although we may not understand.
One thing is for sure God always delivers on time. In this struggle, my mother accepted Christ on more than one occasion, and I learned to forgive and love her with no regret.
I may have lost my mother physically, but emotionally and spiritually, I gained what I always longed for… A relationship with my mom.
Because of you, I am who I am, and that's one thing you gave me that will be with me until the end of my time. You are so strong and fought to the very end, and with that, I am honored to be your daughter. I love you and SIP."
My mother has caused me a lot of damage that I am still repairing, but I am happy that I could forgive her before her passing, not only for herself, but I needed to forgive her for ME… I also forgive myself for all the years I blamed myself. I wish my mother were a part of my life the way I needed her to be, but I understand she was fighting a battle that kept her from being a mother. I am incredibly grateful that my mother didn't drag me along to fight those demons with her. I also realized that it had NOTHING to do with me. I was not the reason my mother wasn't around.
Parents are human, and they make mistakes… There is no rule book to this. So for anyone with an estranged relationship with a parent, at your discretion (I believe some relationships are too damaging to come back from), but work on fixing it.
At the very least, forgive for your own sake.
XO,
Moe
